A second confession, another realization, and more science. . .
Last week, I unpacked a confession — that I've broken my 11-year sobriety in an effort to mitigate my stress with the move to TN. It didn't really work of course... but it was an interesting experiment. To catch up on it if you missed it, you can read that here. Continuing on... We spent my 50th weekend at a 3-day run with the band Phish, after 2+ weeks of "vacation" on Shambhala, drinking nearly daily. It didn't feel good. I didn't love it. I was going with the flow because being around people who drink can be tiresome and depressing. You can't convince someone into sobriety, and I've been playing the game of "if you can't beat them, join 'em" for over a year, much to my own chagrin. It was fun while it lasted (kind of)... (not really), and then I had a major realization: I've been struggling with my brain. My brain has felt limp, un-reactive, slow, sluggish, confused, and foggy. I blamed it on the "decision-making fatigue," the stress — the continual marathon we've been on with building Shambhala. I was finally able to connect this to the work of Dr. Amen's work, and the disservice I've been doing to myself. Amen's scans show that even just a drink a week can create holes in your brain (among other things mentioned last week). I began to wonder how long it would take to heal my brain from the damage I'd done. So, I began to study Dr. Amen's work even more. Sidebar and Confession #2: I was not only using alcohol. I'd gone back to smoking marijuana. It started with CBD for sleep. Harmless right? I hear the supportive arguments: "It's just one of God's plants, we have receptors for it." Science is linking some pretty severe claims to marijuana these days, including psychosis, depression, anxiety, and memory loss. Although I'd begun using it for anxiety, I noticed the next morning my anxiety was 10-fold. I could go a week without either, no problem. The first day or two might be tricky—literally—the brain would trick me, and before I knew it, I was stoned or had a drink. But once I got past that first 3 days, I was good for the long haul. Yet, something would tempt me — a show, a dinner out, a reason to partake, and I would. The cycle would repeat. Luckily, according to Dr. Amen, it can take just a few weeks for the brain to regrow itself, miraculously, thankfully. But until the brain has recovered, which can take months depending on the damage, the temptation to drink is still there — the body craves what it's made of, just like your gut health. You eat sugar = you crave sugar. After the weekend of Phish, I came home sick. I spent 48 hours in bed, and the next few days taking it slow. My lungs hurt, my head hurt, my body felt poisoned. I was not only drinking and smoking, I was surrounded by cigarette smoke. I was also thinking some dark thoughts. But a synchronicity happened on the 2nd night. The group of people who chose to sat in front of us all had a badge on that said "one show at a time." I finally had the nerve by the set break to ask one of them if it referred to sobriety, and it did. They told me about their journeys and why they're all together, and I thought, yes, I can get behind this. There's even a group at set break that meets for a "sobriety meeting." So cool. So inspiring. So synchronous. While in bed, I thought of Dr. Amen, and I thought of Shambhala. When we wrote our guidelines for this magical place, we declared Shambhala a place of sobriety and clarity, intention and light. This declaration comes from many different philosophers' impressions upon us. From James Redfield to Dan Millman, Joe Dispenza to Mike Dooley, Louise Hay to Wayne Dyer. They all declare alcohol (and any mind-altering drug) to be a detriment to the mind, body and soul. So, onward I go. From 3 days, to 10. Milestone upon milestone I will rebuild the 10 years, I know. Because I remember now why I quit. Because I'm smarter without it, and I like being smart. Because I'm happier without it, and I like being happy. Because I'm brighter without it, and I like being bright. Don't dim your light for anyone or anything. Keep shining. And if you're struggling to clean up, reach out. You're not alone. One show at a time, Andy
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December 2023
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